Blinded

The stars in your eyes

The world

The galaxy in your eyes

Start a new beginning

Leave the past behind

There is no winning or losing

Just have to step forward

And no looking back

Take a deep breath in

And begin this new path

The only trace you leave is the one you leave behind

The moment I looked into your eyes

And then realized

That you weren't mine

Anymore

Something had shifted

Like a windowsill had been lifted

To let the cool breeze

Clear my mind.

I had stars in my eyes

When I first saw you

You shined so bright

I gravitated toward you

I tried to follow the path

But I crashed

Head first right into you

Short story

Two lovers who fell out of love

It had been months since he saw her. But there she was sitting at a red light in her car. Which looked like it was packed too the brim a moving van following her.
So many memories in that car.
She's really doing it he thought." A proud smirk ran along his face.

It was in a glancing moment that she saw him. He stood there in her side view mirror.
No that can't be. She thought. She turned to look. It was him. He nodded and held his hand up for a small wave. Her eyes began to flood.. holding back she did a half hearted chuckle and waved back. All the good memories overcame the many bad ones. Though they still stung... she learned from them.
The light turned green.
the anticipation for the new adventure awaited her.

He watched her expression change from the realization of when she recognized him.
He laughed to himself with his head down and waved to her.
Good luck he mouthed hoping that he didn't make a scene. She nodded thanks as the light turned green.
She took a deep breath and pressed her foot on the gas.

They said goodbye to each other a long time ago. And there was no need to say it again.

Dear Vero

Hi vero.

Its me mella. Little chinita. I miss you. I saw that it was your birthday the other day. You’ve been on my mind alot lately. Its crazy now. I cannot believe so much has happened and so much has changed. I miss those days in the back office where i’d be making those candy bouquets and burning my fingertips with the glue gun. And you playing your victor Fernandez music.

Today for some reason your number came up on my screen. And I started crying. Because I just realized even if I text that number. I know you won’t be the one replying. You have been such a huge impact on me and the way I see things more than I have ever realized.

I hope you are watching from up above and seeing what I am becoming because truly without you I have no idea where I would be. Smiling with your red lipstick and hair in a messy ponytail. And your attitude with pat.

I love you. -mel

A good place

We might lose each other for a little bit
But I know that we are (can be) end game.
We will be friends for now
And we can be something more if you want
But I know that I want you and I can wait.
But it doesn't mean that I should.
And I am not making you any promises.
But just know that down the line I will have a spot for you on the back of my mind.
The bottom of my heart.
That I know that even a memory of you will put a smile on my face. Because I know my mind and heart at the time was in a good place.

how many times do i start over?

HI i have a disappeared from here

I know i have these spurts of being on here and then not

its really bad habits that i need to not be inconsistent

just general; notes that have done in the passed couple of months

traveled across country and came back

bought my first pair of REAL cowboy boots

recovered my sanity a little even though i can feel myself loose it again

FINALLY saw my family since december aside from my father

and bought waaaaaayyyyy to many shoes.

I dont normally dream.

I don’t normally dream.

at least I don’t normally remember my dreams. But this dream was so vivid to me. They say that dreams are meant to be your subconscious telling you what you really want. And yeah it’s what I want. But in the foreseeable future… Highly unlikely that it’s going to happen.

So in this dream. well, it involved a guy whom I never met in real life before and a couple of people I know in real and a couple of people I used to know.

side note - they say the faces that people have you’ve seen throughout your life whether it be in passing or someone in a magazine stays in your brain. so that when ever you dream it is a face whom you’ve seen before. not necessarily someone whom you actually know.

okay well in this dream…

i was in a relationship. (what’s new?) and it must have been serious because I was living with them. let’s call this person Cole. But we also had roommates. it was a huge house. It had a pool a huge kitchen. and open living space. I mean I guess we were all very well off.

somehow we were planning for a party.. or some sort of another event. wedding maybe?

I remember seeing a whiteboard with plans. but I was planning it with one of my friends. so assuming I was an event planner in this scenario and then I remember seeing Cole being so excited and happy to see me after a day of work. I think he was in the entertainment industry… like a model/actor or some sort of producer I dunno maybe even an athlete.

I was able to work from home so he would just watch me work and have a smirk on his face.

. and I was at ease with the fact that He enjoyed watching me work when he would be home early like was just happy that he was around even though I was busy. like he had given me butterflies just by sitting there doing his own thing. I was content with the fact that we could be in the same room doing our own separate things and then suddenly I would feel a hand on my shoulder or on my thigh or even reaching for one of my hands… and then be calm from it not realizing how anxious I was getting. but I would look at him and his face looked as if it was a normal thing. like it was something magnetic like he knew before even looking at me.

o, remember being in the pool with our roommates playing. Actually having a play fight with water guns and the pool floaties. random but I felt good about it.

so amidst of planning the party, I was in our room looking over paperwork. I remember seeing Cole flop into bed. submerged in the comforter. taking a nap. somehow I knew that he had a long day. so I was just going to leave him alone. I was quietly trying to exit when I feel arms at my waist and me flopping into bed. and then him on top of me smiling squeezing me, tight nuzzling into my neck.

“bed together forever?” is what I heard. and I couldn’t help but laugh and nod as a reply.

and that’s when I wake up.

this has been on my mind all day. like I don’t know. Happiness?

Ultimately I know that’s what I want. In real life. the easy kind of love. the respectful kind of love. No matter who that person may be.. the kind of faithful love that you don’t need to feel insecure about. An open connection with easy communication. to be able to be goofy and comfortable to not worry about what the other person thinks because you know that they love you for being weird and goofy. but then also be independent and live separate lives and be able to share experiences and be proud of each other. that there is no need to hide and pretend to be something or someone that you arent and they are acceptive of the human you are. because I know I would be accepting of them in the same way.

Not needing to feel like you need to be fixed or vice versa to not be a project to be worked on. but to be able to adapt learn and grow together.

I am rambling now. . that kind of love I feel is so difficult to find.

forever a hopeless romantic.

Compartmentalization and Disassociation

I find myself as I have gotten older that it comes easier to pack things away into a little box

my space not so much but more so in my mind. when it comes to feelings and emotions most definitely.

I have been known to be a happy and “bright” person as well. always smiling and laughing. but that is on the outside I am smiling because I was told not to show true emotions. not to cry when frustrated. Not to be mad because it wasn’t worth it. not to be scared because it will make me seem to others that i am weak.

there is a saying laughing to keep from crying.

well, I laugh all the time because the things on my mind are so simple yet so ridiculous

I imagine myself going on adventures seeing the world. Showing my art. performing…

And then I suddenly realize what I am doing. Stocking a shelf at your fake-ish-friendly local grocery store.

this is probably where I learned to enhance my compartmentalization.

sometimes I find myself staring off into space a little more so. when I am driving. when I am waiting in line somewhere. I don’t realize what im doing unless I see a stoplight. or when I can feel someone waiting or staring at me. Numb until someone sees me.

just a food for thought.

Normal circumstances

Under normal circumstances.. i would normally put this year under review

But alas it actually hasnt been NORMAL!

this year has had more downs than ups i have to say.

At least its been more noticeable. Everyone has been so aware of everything that has been going on.

granted now that ALMOST everything now is online.

but honestly i can say that i havent cried or held my feelings in this year.

i have become more normal. thankfully for those who reminded me that i am only human and that i shouldnt have to be responsible for others.

i have gone out more and been able to relax. To take a break from all things.

Happy.... New.. year?

hello hello hello again.

its been a while. i know i said i would be more active on the internet.

BUT

MAN holidays truly kicked my butt.

and just alot has happened.

but i dont think that i have the energy of to explain of all that has happened.

but not that i have changed or plan on changing myself. but i have more awareness of what i want and who i want to b

when i listen to music... i match with my own lyrics

Butterflies in my Stomach

I saw him and I got em

Something has got me stuttering

And when he’s near my heart starts fluttering

Butterflies in my stomach

My tongue is so twisted

I can’t help it

My Cheeks So red

And I don’t want it to be said

My thoughts so hot and heavy

just the thought of us going steady

he and i

oh my my my.

Sometimes I hate the way he looks at me

with eyes such full of hope

like there’s a double meaning from the words that he spoke

it’s not fair the way he makes me smile

even though I know I’m going crazy

For only once when I say his name I wish I can call him, Baby

Watching movies.

Baby I'll  make you warm in the winter
Cuddle under  the covers
Sleep in till the sun comes up
Curl under your arm when we walk
to get coffee at the donut shop

Baby will  you hug me from behind
When we stand in line
Looking at the Christmas trees?
Eskimo kisses and 11 11 wishes
Humming and moving along to the beat

Baby you give me butterflies
Just looking at you smiling at me.
You've got this sparkle in your eyes
And I am so surprised everytime you say you love me.

Ignored

He told me he loves me.

But I just ignored it.

Its meaning is different to different people coming from different people.

I ignored it not because I didn’t want to hear it. But its because i didn’t want him to see my face when he said it.

I know he loves me. But I dont know how or in what way.

Could it be the same way that I love him?

Or just because im there? Or in a familial sense?

Yes. I do love him. But I love him too much for my own good. I love him enough that I know I want him to be happy. Even if he doesn't love me in that way.

I’ll be okay though. Because I know what it’s like to be alone.

The eye talk.

A lot can be said with a glance.

Whether it be a conversation between friends or a noticeable look from a stranger across the room.

With everyone wearing face coverings its so much more used.

Today I had a conversation with a coworker about how rude a customer was…. without saying a word.

And then today as I was working I locked eyes a man with blue eyes athletically built with tattoos just for a split second. I turned to focus back to what I was doing. He had walked away and not 10 mins later he was back. I felt slightly embarrassed so I ran to the back. Stupid me to think something of it but the fact that it affected me so… it means something.

Like in the little mermaid when Ursala talks about body language… there is also eye expressions.

Oh hello

I know its been a while….

I have been actually enjoying life. Surprisingly.

New people entered my life. And i’m here for it. No relationships no hook ups and i’m not sad about it. But this is a step in a good direction i feel it.

Seeing people and getting a different perspective on things is quite refreshing.

Asian don't Raisin

to be honest I lately I’ve been more vocal about my singleness. and the experiences that i have had with people and relationships.

it is more edging closer to that I am approaching a certain age and the last time I was in a relationship was close to 5 years ago. and since then I have learned and changed a lot. yet still very much the same person.

I went through a promiscuous phase and then I went into a completely introverted.

and since this quarantine, I have come to reinvest into exploring my… well, I wouldn’t say sexuality. but I am also at an age where my prefered age can consist of 10 years younger to 10 years older. which is very scary.

like I know how old I can look like but like. for the ones that are ten years older they sometimes think I’m 19 which I say DAMN THANK YOU! but like Asians don’t Raisin.

But then there are the people who are 10 years younger who kinda get weirded out when they do find out how old I am. like their mind was Blown that I am that age.

and then when kids buy alcohol and I card them and look at the year they were born. I’m like WTF! how is it that you look older than me! and also they make me feel so old! like when did this shit happen? when did I become the old person now?

Nowadays I am the one giving the younger kids lessons, and I vaguely remember the time when I was the one being lectured. I am in the middle place in all of that. like I haven’t had much experience but i have more than the kids (and by kids i mean the 18-24-year-olds that i work with). it is an interesting time for me right now. and its very weird.

if it happens it happens but i am not going to force it.

i want that.

The feeling when they hold your face with both hands

they look into your eyes just to make sure its okay. and then look to your lips

Connected somehow. they look at you entirely and you feel like time has stopped. everything is moving so slow but so fast at the same time.

Smirk and smile nervously.

For a flint of a second, excitement and hesitation.

then the realization that its really happening.

and after that moment letting go of the fear and the weight of the risk you are about to take.

breathless

diving into your lips

and after everything them finally knowing for sure that you wanted it.

2020 a sh*tshow

This week. These months and Well this entire year for the most part have been a shit show.

Words cannot explain what exactly is going on in my head right now. Especially when i’m watching the news. Yes I am at home. Yes I am an essential worker. yes I am of asian decent. And yes most of all I AM AN AMERICAN. In the same months there have been more protests about the stupidest shit like wearing a face mask and people trying to open up their businesses. But this one we are now having is the one about race. This riot. The riot where people are so tired about it being the us verses them. The whites verses the blacks. The cops verses the people. The white collar verses the blue. But no… that’s not it. It’s about how ones life is defined how its treated because of its race. And one of the many systems of the injustices where it’s most prominent is through law enforcement.

And before you judge me and my opinion. I hope you take this information with a grain of salt. I do not have all the information. But I do have this observation.

For those causing the riots. The instigators. NOT THE PEACEFUL PROTESTORS. The ones who actually came to physically fight. Why? Do you not see the bigger picture here?

The cops whom you are trying to fight and get in the face of… did they directly have something to do with those peoples deaths. By all means if they did have at them. If they didnt well… why do you think they are there? Do you think that ALL of them have the same mentality? All of them want to fight you back? To physically stop you unprovoked?

We are all a part of a broken system there are bad cops but there are also good cops. And to actually see the difference is between to crosses the line first.

The some of the cops you see before you. They are just trying to do their job. They dont want to fight you. Some of them dont even want to be there. But they are doing their job. They are trying to make a living. Put food on their families tables. Because they aren’t able to get any government assistance because they make too much. Some of them dont want to spend their day in the sun in full uniform and gear and still have to work through the night. Some don’t want to risk their lives.

Take away their badge, their uniform and their gun. They are human same as you.

And you are meaning to tell me that if some random stranger followed by dozens of people behind them started yelling at you would you fight. Or would you just let them yell in your face, touch you, poke you, prod you until they finally get a reaction from you? Are you willing to listen to them? To actually hear what they are trying to say. And vice versa?

For the people protesting. I am with with you. I cannot be with you on the front lines. I pray that you guys stay safe and that our message will finally be heard and action is taken. Our generation needs to be heard. We have been through so much. We need to educate each other and we need to love one another. And we need to understand that this is only a stepping stone. It will take time. Lord knows that it will take some more time but we need to keep moving forward. And be persistent.

Black lives matter. Please listen one another. I beg of you please listen.

All for all you fuckers looting.

Seriously. What the FUCK is wrong with you? How dare you? I could care less of “oh because they have the money” or “it’s because they started it.”

BITCH it’s not about that! Whether it be a mom and pop shop to a freaking Prada store. You are terrorizing people and their livelihoods. Did you not forget about the people who work there? The sales clerks managers the employees the janitors? What about how unsafe you are now making the environment you are leaving behind. These are the people who are struggling as it is! This week they were supposed to open and begin business again. Yet now you took that all away.

Do you even know that you are feeding into the stereotype that most of us are trying to decimate? And yet you still get offended when you are put into that corner.

And now that you have all of these stolen goods… what are you going to do. Sell them for cheap? Keep it for nostalgia?

You understand that cheapens your stolen goods. It’s sad and pathetic. You are not rich because you stole something fancy. it only shows how lazy you are that you weren’t willing to work for what you want.

Current Obsessions

as of this moment right now I have been so on a kick of having a pint of ice cream.

and right now i have love potion 31 staring me down.

Baskin robbins and Ben and jerrys have become my Boyfriends.

AND HONESTLY THAT HAS BEEN MY CALORIC INTAKE on a daily.

2 to 3 servings per pint my ass!

but like im probably going to get diabetes because of it.

another thing that i am obsessed with is playing with my switch.

and currrently watching people on twitch and youtube build their islands. and i hope that one day i can make my island similar to theirs

random post but i figured that i need to do so because i spent almost a grand on my set up not including my gaming set up and rig.

so yeah its been about a year so i better use it while it still works! anywhooooooo

Strange days.

Well the world is in a weird place right now. I don't know how to explain it. It’s like i’ve been stuck in this routine of work… sleep… work… play video games (breath of the wild and now animal crossing) … work… sleep. It’s been super busy at work. And if you didnt already know I am an “essential worker” aka I work at a grocery store. And this was my experience.

When I first heard about covid19 it was the end of november on youtube. Dr. Mike was mentioning it because it was on the rise in the news. He said it shouldnt be taken lightly but just be aware and be hygienic. Aka wash your hands cover your face when you cough… use the pit of your elbow. The normal stuff!

But then as soon as March rolls around there was news of a lady in the OC having it. The first one in the states. Then the next day. 2 more and then the following week another 6.

Business at work picked up a little but as soon as that president decided to say that it was a pandemic. Boom. Things were flying off the shelves. And then the following day… another speech. There was practically nothing on the shelves to sell. The only time I had ever seen a grocery store with as many shelves empty was when a store was closing. And to my knowledge in that first week of this thing…. People spent more than they did during thanksgiving and christmas combined. CRAZY.

And people got more rude. Hostile. And noticibly more racist.

For example an older bigger man of the caucasian descent came into my store one afternoon. The shelves of toilet paper were shot. He began to ram his shopping cart into all of the empty shelves. And an employee was passing him by and he nearly hit her with it. He then continued to the back room where two other employees told him that he couldn't be back there. And when he was confronted he said “all I want is something to wipe my ass with!” Reached for a bag of candy. Preceded to take the bag and stick it down his pants to wipe and then took it out and threw it to the ground. And then took off to the front continuing to ram anything that was in his way. Eventually knocking over a display that contained Starbucks mugs and glassware. Everyone was just in shock of it that it was too late to call the police. He was gone.

Since then… the panic has decreased. Subtly but not enough. But I guess this is the new normal.