I miss being me.

I miss being me. I used to be so adventurous. I used to be so down for anything. I loved to dance. I loved to sing. I loved to perform. I used to be so athletic and out doors-y.

I used to be happy.

I miss all those parts of me.

But now that i’ve gotten older. I barely leave my room. If it weren’t for work i’d probably be a literal vampire and never leave my house. I perform but in my car. I sing to my audience of people who are driving in their cars not really paying attention to me. And I dance but it’s more so waiting for the ladies room doing the “I got to tinkle” dance or stretching.

If I create videos would you watch?

Love.

Today is Valentine's day.

I love love but i love it from a distance. Today I have had so much reflection on it. I recently watched a sequel to a movie that I was obsessed with a year ago. “To all the boys I have loved before” “ps i still love you.”

And i was thinking about how many people i have loved in a romantic way and how many times i have ever been “in love” or what i think what being in love was. And honestly…. I have loved so many. But I have never been in love. I mean my last relationship was a few years ago and… well that one i got into was me just settling. And I hated myself for it.

It’s been so long but I think that it’s because i dont want my idea of love to be ruined. You know like the one you see in romantic comedies. And the epic dramas. To find my Mr. Darcy if you will. Dont get me wrong I understand I know that really being in love has its ups and downs. I haven’t met anyone who is worth going through that with. Granted I dont go out. And the passed couple of years I have become a workaholic. But now i realize that i would like to have someone to come home to. Not right now … but eventually. That is one of my goals for the year. For me to at least dip my toes in the water.

And I have come to realize that i am happy for those who are in love. They are finding their happiness.

I love writing about love. But I may have some sort of cynicism writing about it because I never really been in love. But I understand it. And to put myself through that …. Its so daunting. Maybe that why I write about it. So I can imagine myself in every situation. What I think I would do verses what I would actually do.

Dear Kobe

You dont know me. The moment I heard the news about you. I didnt want it to be true. Even now I have some hope that it was all a lie. But I know it's not. I sit here at home and it finally hit me. YOU are GONE. The one that inspired millions. The one that brought a little girl closer to her family while watching you play at the beginning of your career. I must admit I didnt follow up on you the passed couple of years but I knew that since you retired that you were going to be okay. I didnt realize how many memories I have watching you on tv. I remember sitting on the living room floor saying wow. Or watching you play at my cousin’s house during the play offs and all my family screaming and cheering you on or even the times when you would be at the key and everyone was holding their breath as they watched you shoot the ball and everyone exhaling at the same time as soon as the swish of the net making another point for the team. 10 years since i’ve properly watched a game yet you had enough impact on me that I am sitting here alone in my room crying. You sir are a true mamba. Words cannot explain. You are loved you are missed. You are a legend.

A fan,

Mel.

Its been A MONTH!

I know I have been super MIA (missing in action) but its the holidays.

And when you work in retail… Holidays don’t really mean the traditional meaning of spending time with your family enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and cozying up underneath a blanket watching movies. it means long hours… Being on call… and the possibility of gaining white hair every other day.

Oh how i wish i was getting paid to be on vacation.

Speaking of vacation

it also been about a month since i was in the Philippines.

which I didnt finish the story of my trip.

basically after the disastrous trip to Coron. We flew back to Clark and headed to My Mom’s home town of Bataan where we spent the night at my cousins house. The trip was long but I could feel myself getting used to the weather. 90+ degrees and humid. Loose shorts and a plain tee. (i noticed that if you wore long pants or sweats it meant that you were either going to church or you were a foreigner) and it helped that My dads truck has air conditioning.

After that night we went to the wet market again in the morning and hung out there for a few hours and then said our goodbyes to my cousin and his family and my Uncle, my moms only living brother and headed back to Manila.

most of that ride back i listened to my dad’s complaints on how traffic out in the provinces needed to be more regulated. mainly because of the tricycles. Have i talked about them before? if you didn’t know well they are like slower motorbikes with sidecar attachments and sometimes can have 10 people riding on them. the driver one sitting on the handles one or two sitting behind the driver two or three sitting inside the sidecar and three sitting on the back end of the sidecar. and i remember the last time i had gone to the phillipines seeing people sitting on the roof of the sidecar if the had roofs. and there are hundreds and hundreds maybe even thousands of them in my moms hometown. and streets in the provinces aren’t wide enough for both a car and one of these tricycles to share a lane. And there in my moms hometown only ONE main street/highway. CRAZY there was even a story that i saw that on a highway a truck driver fell asleep on a highway lost control and drove head first into one of these tricycles. the people in the tricycle obviously didnt survive but their bodies were found 30+feet away from the impact. Wow that turned dark.

But anyway.

Back in Manila we honestly spent the last couple of days shopping. but instead of driving (my dad doesnt like driving in the dark or being stuck in traffic (which happened we spent 4 hours in Metro Manila trying to find a faster way back to Laguna from my cousins.) we took the bus. Lets just say transportation is vastly different. They use those huge tourist buses as regular buses for comfortable transport to other cities. and then there are also JEEPNEYS which are okay… slightly dangerous and you get to smell the fumes from other cars… but they are another common way of getting around in the cities.

the trains arent like what they used to be. 10 years ago it was like a mediocre amount of people using the trains. Now… its like a freaking sardine can. depending on how far away you live from Metro Manila the more and more it gets packed. and the trains they used… well there was Japanese signs all over them and NO air conditioning. i think in that day i must of lost 5 pounds in sweat.

and then my dad’s dog bit me two days before we were supposed to fly back to the states.

I’m home

Hello hello hello! Last time I posted was when I was still in the philippines in the first week of my vacation. But now i’m back stateside. On my instagram (@mellahhhhh) the last thing i posted was of a cyclone warning in Coron. Yeah if we stayed any longer on that island man. I was going to go crazy!

The original plan was to stay in Coron for 2 days then take a cargo ferry to El Nido (another beautiful island) and then travel to Puerto Princessa (another beach town north of El Nido)

Wellllllll. The only place we reached was Coron. And there were only 2 ways to get off the island. By plane [which only flew to two places Cebu and Clark Airforce base (which we flew out from) ] and by ferry which was going to head to El Nido.

Dont get me wrong the island hopping was fun and beautiful. But staying there for 4 days being stuck practically indoors for 3 of those days. Yeah not fun.

We were supposed to head out to El Nido the 3rd day. So we got up bright and early and took a tricycle to the port where we were supposed to take the ferry. 20 minute bumpy wet and suprising cold ride to the port. We were the first ones there. Got our tickets and paid for the terminal fee. (You ask what is a terminal fee… well it’s a fee that you have to pay for waiting in the lobby. There is a freaking fee for that! Kinda like what a tollway is.) Not even 5 minutes later a person comes out from the back and says the ferry is canceled. Not just for the morning. But for the ENTIRE day. there was a freaking gale warning. And they explained to us that if there was a gale warning in the morning all boat trips would be automatically cancelled. THE waves were going to be 8 or 9 ft high apparently. But not on the island I was on with my family but on another Island in the area. This happend 3 days in a row for us! Maybe even 5 if we stayed there!

Dont get me wrong better safe than sorry.

But being in the center of the town which honestly wasn’t very big. But easily confusing. Pretty much the only way you could travel far was on tricycles or you’d have to rent a scooter for a day.

On one of those days we were thinking about going to the natural hot springs. But the only way to get there was by hiring a tricycle driver to take you and would wait there for you till you were done which was roughly 500 php that would be for about an hour. But that didnt include the entrance fee to the hot springs which was 200 to 300 php. The reasons why the prices would very is if you were an obvious tourist aka not filipino at all aka tall big and european/american looking they would charge you more. So it does really help if you speak the language or have someone who is filipino in your party. So you dont get jipped or taken advantage of. We didnt end up doing it because it rained.

sidenote

Yeah the currency exchange roughly now is 50.20 php to 1 American dollar. It is cheap because you are in a developing country. But head my warning You dont want to carry too much money on you or even take out your wallet. And you should separate the money that you do have in different pockets. For example if you place a third of the cash you have on hand in your wallet. And split the remaining cash among other pockets of your clothes/bags. And then if you forget where you put your money it’s a little treat for when you do find it! This happened to me twice

end sidenote

Anyways back to being stuck in Coron. Dont get me wrong. It is a very beautiful place. And I had a wonderful first full day there. But I was ready to continue on the adventure. And after 2 days there you’ve already seen the basis of what the island has to offer. Little town lots of tiny hole in the wall convenience stores and it was in the beginning stages of becoming a huge tourist destination. ALSO IT RAINED EVERYDAY. Lucky enough it only began to rain after the tour ended that day.

And on top of it all because our ferry trip was being canceled 3 days in a row (we only planned on staying for 2 nights) and we were now on the 4th. Our hotel/lodging accommodations were threating to kick us out because of overbooking and the fact they didnt expected so many people to be staying in town instead of leaving it. Stupid gale warning. By the end of that day I was over it. And I could feel myself begin to catch something. It could have been the weird weather I was putting myself through. Constantly on the move and not really adjusting well to the time difference. Being in the water all day the first full day. BARELY drinking any water. At least the amount I am used to is at least 3 liters a day. (Its a lot but it helps me not to get sick. It flushes out all the bad stuff) There could have been a multitude of things. I was just over it. And I think my parents were as well. So we ended our trip early and flew back to Clark. My parents had a hassle of a time getting their money back from the ferry tickets. And then on top of that we were supposed to flight out from Puerto Princessa. They couldn’t get their money back from that. What a waste.

Stupid gale warning.

This ends my trip to Coron. Which was only halfway through my trip. But doesnt end my stay in the Philippines. More to come later.

Coron pt. 3

So my mom. She is adventurous but to a point. There are quite a few things she doesn’t dare do. One of those things is going into water. Especially water that you cannot distinguish how many feet below is the bottom.

All day on this trip she enjoys sitting on the side lines watching ( that’s where I probably get it from) and not actually participating. But another thing with me is that I know that I probably wont get the chance to do this ever again. So I jumped in head first in the water. Which I know I get from my dad. It’s the feeling of regret that gets to me.

So this is the story about the last leg of our tour.

I was still trying to avoid the youngest crew member Robin. So I decided to stay on the boat for this island… Hoping that he would go with the rest of the group. (he decided to stay on the boat) lucky me. Only half of our group decided to go on this dive to a ship wreck. And I decided to sunbath and dry off for a bit. And make sure my mom was doing ok. And my dad decided to swim off to see the wreck.

So i sat in the sunlight drying off. Checking out if I had gotten a tan or not. Mind you this was ten minutes of me adjusting my swimsuit and taking the sand out of my water shoes etc. I didnt realize Robin was watching me! Creepy right!? He asked me a question and I just give him one worded answers. Short and simple. Master deflector *remember* I really hope he got the hint.

Anywho we gather up and travel to the next destination where they told us that it used to be a beautiful long white sand bar but then over night a few years ago people on large ships (the chinese) took the sand to take it back to their hotels and resorts so they could have it as their own beach. It was sad really. A beautiful sand bar now turned into a dinky little island with barely any sand on it. We didnt stay there long after they told us that story.

So our final destination was another lagoon type place. Where they said that the water was warm from underneath and cooler on top because of the brackish waters and because its flow from the natural hot springs… or something like that.

There was a little docking port and a short climb of stairs to this place. Mind you the stairs seemed quite sketchy but solid. Another beautiful scene. I could tell that my dad was getting annoyed with robin because he would follow close behind me. It even came to a point where we were climbing the stairs that my dad made me switch spots with him to “help” my mom climb. But I knew what he was doing. I didnt even know that Robin was behind me till that happened. Dad with the major cockblock for the win!

It was truly breathtaking. Words cannot describe the natural beauty and serene setting. My dad and I swam around for 20 minutes. Him snorkling and me just floating around doing my best Drew Barrymore impression. The water was cool at first but then there were certain pockets of warmth. And no people weren’t swimming in that area previously. It was quiet at first not too many tours around. You could actually enjoy the quiet serenity of this place.

After a few more minutes my dad wanted my mom to get in the water. Not just dip her feet in the water but full on get in. It took some convincing. But she finally got in. She said she could float but she was so tense that even her lifejacket was struggling to keep her up. My dad had left me with her to explore the other parts of the bay. I could tell she was scared because of how tightly she was squeezing my hand. Even though we were only 6 feet away from the dock. I love my mom. She did something that I have never seen her do in my 25+years of life. Actually get in the water. I’m proud of her. And maybe next time she will actually not need anyone to hold her hand.

Omgah! I took a picture of him the boy in the corner is Robin! But this was the last place. I hope that it stays this way but with it becoming more popular to tourists… I dont know…

Coron part 2

I left off where we get back on the boat to go to the next island. It was not but a quick 5 minutes to lunch where it was another beautiful beach with white sands called beach 91.

They served us the most delicious crab I have ever eaten. Along with fresh fish Pancit and fresh cucumbers in vinegar and pepper. It was so refreshing and delicious. After maybe 4 hours of swimming everyone was ravenous.

It was a great beach meal. And we were the second round of tour groups to arrive so it was perfect timing. We stayed there about an hour as others were arriving for their lunch. But the kind of funny but gross thing that happened was that one of the tours had a kid. He was maybe about 3 or 4 kind of unruly. His mother was yelling at him to get in the line to eat. But he decided to play in the sand. Back and forth he went trying to put the wet sand on to the dry sand and reverse. Up until the moment he yelled out “Mama! PEEPEE”. The mom scurried from the food line to reach her son. But it was too late. The boy pulled down his swimming trousers and began to pee right on the white sand beach. Not even facing the ocean but the crowd awaiting in line to get their food. Poor baby I said aloud but in the back of my mind was AVOID THE PEE SPOT. The mom pulled up the boys shorts quickly and embarrassed went back into the line.

Beach 91. White sands and kayaking

Philippines November 2019 Coron tour pt. 1

Wow. So in July I booked a trip to the philippines. Mainly because to be honest was because I wanted to go to a shawn mendes concert. It would have been perfect. It was my birthday week and i would have gone to the concert. Visited with my parents before they headed back to the states. It would have been perfect right?! No it wasn’t. When I tried to book the tickets for shawn mendes it shut me out. I wasn’t able to get them. Which saddened me. But I knew it was too good to be true. I had already told my boss that I wanted vacation. And I did have the time. So I booked it so that when I would come back we would all come back together. My parents and I. So now I am here. Sitting in Coron palawan Philippines. And I just had the most amazing day. Aside from my single awkwardness that comes usually tends to come about. Ugh it's terrible.

But when someone approaches me about that kind of stuff i tend to shut down.

So this is the basis of what happened.

Today november 4th

We booked a island tour hopping trip of the Islands of Coron palawan. Its such a beautiful place. Pictures cannot do it justice.

Okay so i’m single and everyone on the boat is coupled up. There is a gay couple, a couple on their honey moon and two other couples on vacation oh and there are my parents. So i’m the single one. On the boat my dad just so happens to be extremely friendly with the crew. It’s a crew of 4. All of which seem to be around my age and maybe younger.

We went to about 8 places today.

The first place was called Malwawey reef. All these places were meant for snorkling. 10 mins out in the ocean. I was the third person that jumped off the boat! Everyone else was a bit timid about it. Mind you I dont usually swim. Or at least I barely know how to swim. It was salt water and I knew how to float. So i did my best impression of Claire Danes in romeo and juliet swimming in the pool. Or was it Drew Barrymore in Ever After. It was amazing!!!

And then the second place was called twin lagoon. This was the embarrassing part. I think one of the younger guys of the crew was trying to flirt with me. Even thinking about it now I feel super embarrassed. My mom stayed on the boat. She doesnt like open water. So the rest of us left to go to this beautiful lagoon. We had to swim underneath. This bridge they called tunnel. But there were little crabbies crawling along the walls it was beautiful. I couldn't take any pictures there because I didnt have a water proof camera. It it was me and my dad and the rest of the tour group. With life jackets mind you. Because this place was HUGE people were for sure to get tired. Any way I start swimming on my own. My dad gets distracted by this older couple from another tour group whom had gotten tired so their touguide had gotten them a kayak to get on. They were struggling for like 10 mins. So then this is when the the kid from the crew from our boat began to strike with his moves on me. But little did he know I am the master deflector. He kept on trying to get me closer to him. Even tried to take me to the beach located in the middle of the lagoon. But I was like nahh bro imma just keep swimming. He kept on trying to ask me questions so much that I was getting so annoyed that I just dunked my head in the water. And began to do a back stroke back to where my dad was. Which was probably more than 2 football fields away. That was a struggle. But the kid kept following me. Even tried to help me get to my dad. The funny thing was when I finally reached my dad. My dad called him out on it! He was like “hey I thought you told me you were married” so I left them to talk to go back on the boat

Where also I can hear my mom talking to the crew members to them about how i’m 29 and still single! What the heck man! When did my love life become the topic of my parents stories to strangers?!?!?!

The rest of the day I was so awkward. I might ad more to this later but yeah….

And whose this concludes part 1 of my story of my trip to Coron.

In my head.

I’ve been really in my head lately. Mainly about relationships. And I have writing more and more .

Shorter poems. And i have been writing lyrics going along with the music of other songs. Yet for the hell of me I cannot write my own music. I tried learning how to play piano again. I know how to read sort of but let’s just say that I play like a 4 year old just beginning. But I just haven’t had any oomph to really make it a passion.

So here it goes. Lately i’ve been listening to Julia Michaels. And Jpsaxe recently released a song with her in it called “if the world was ending.” I am in love with this song. I haven’t had a relationship in YEARS! And I dont even bother with dating. But romance love and heartbreak are things I love to write about. And this song is just “Wow" it has something. It says something to me. That you can love someone and even still have them in your heart even though you’ve parted ways. And they can still be on your mind years later. And hope that they are doing the same. And the thought of them can still bring a smile to your face. So I wrote something to go along with that song. It’s more of a prequel to it. But it goes along with the same melody. And if you can hear it in your head like I can. Well…

I've got tear stains on my pillowcase
Your side of the bed an empty space
My dresser drawer now couldn't hold your place
I wear your old sweater
I stare from the window and watch the weather
And as the leaves fall
I remember what you said that last call
I love you but I need to find a way...
I knew I couldn't make you stay.
You'd resent me for that fact
On the line you waited for how I'd react.
I just said okay
But my heart wanted you to stay.
But I want you to be happy now
I want to be happy now
So I sit here watching the weather change.
Am I happy now?
I loved you but am I happy now

superman curl

I wrote this last year. And I was super obsessed with someone. But not in a crazy way. I just really felt connected to his music and it made me wish to find love again. It’s been a couple of years and i’m not getting any younger. I miss being infatuated with someone. And having those type of feelings of excitement and butterflies. So I wrote this inspired by him.

Superman curl

With your superman curl
Your songs have been heard across the world.
You speak so eloquently
And conviction in your words
Passion resonates that I have rarely ever heard.
Because of you I have aspired to go for it. I thought I would never try to write the words that I wouldn't have thought to write.
Your grin your smirk and your smile makes me feel some sort of way but I would never know if you felt the same.
The echoes of your laugh gives me strength because i know that someday I could be happy even if it's just to watch you play.
Your arms carry a weapon that you knew you could use. A guitar that you play even when singing the blues.
Your voice brings a calm for those who listen singing along with your words
Your grin your smirk your smile and your superman curl.

Hello!

Well. Well.. well.

It’s been a few months… and I just barely put my site up publicly. Not much has really changed. But my writing has slowed down a little bit. But I try to write something in my notes everyday. But I did notice more that I write more when i am feeling not necessarily lonely. But isolated. That may or may not make sense. I define lonely more along the feeling of sad. Whereas isolated means that I can see and judge things from a distance so I can see a rounder picture. And lately i’ve been poems/songs about love and break ups. Granted it’s been years since i’ve been in a romantic relationship.

Speaking of pictures… I am challenging myself to take a selfie for everyday in September. I did this last year. I hashtagged it #selfieseptember2019. The reason was because social media is such an important tool to get ahead in life now a days. Especially in los angeles. Its something I feel like I should and want to do.

And starting October 14th i’m going to do it for everyday for a year. I think of it as a count down for next year. 365 days to hit a milestone. I might also make daily videos and put them on my youtube. Heck I might even write a post on here everyday for a year…. Eh maybe.

Well. That’s it for now.

Toodaloo!

Well my name is Carmela Martirez . That’s M A R T I R E Z

And welcome to my First Blog post.

I have been thinking about this for a while now. Publishing my thoughts and words and ideas out gives me so much anxiety. I am so nervous about letting other people in. But I feel that this is a step in a direction that will give me more options in life. In other words thank you for stopping by and taking some time to check in on me.

So let me introduce myself.

Again my name is Carmela Martirez . with a R and not a N. and on a normal basis i just go by Mella.

And i am a Filipino American living in a suburb of Los Angeles. in other words i can sing and dance but i have been out of practice for years.

I love Food. i love trying different types of food. I love to cook and bake. and recently i have begun a collection of cook books. but i have been in the kitchen since i was 7.

I love traveling. i have been to many places many countries. in later blog posts i will tell my stories of my adventures

Writing is another passion of mine.i write a lot of poetry in hopes that someday i can have some help writing music to it. And i like to write not so short stories that i get inspired from songs that i have listened to on the radio or my favorite artists. and honestly when i was younger i had written in at least a dozen journals about how if i was a famous actor or something…and now that i think about it … its very cringy and hope it never sees the light of day.

In other words i just like being creative. This is a special outlet that will help me do so.

i am not quite comfortable speaking in front of a camera but maybe one day.

i love taking photos. mainly of food.

and for sure i am late to the make up game. but i am slowly and surely learning.

same with fashion. i love it and i can appreciate it. but on most days i am just wearing jeans and a tee-shirt.

and as of right now I work in customer service. aka i work in food retail. and with my job i have attained many skills from it to be honest. A box girl to working in the bakery to becoming a cake decorator and then to running a department and now i am in marketing aka building displays at work. and oh boy the stories i can tell.

funny how words can make something so simple seem so grand.

well those are a few things about me.

And i cannot wait to share more things with you.