Love.

Today is Valentine's day.

I love love but i love it from a distance. Today I have had so much reflection on it. I recently watched a sequel to a movie that I was obsessed with a year ago. “To all the boys I have loved before” “ps i still love you.”

And i was thinking about how many people i have loved in a romantic way and how many times i have ever been “in love” or what i think what being in love was. And honestly…. I have loved so many. But I have never been in love. I mean my last relationship was a few years ago and… well that one i got into was me just settling. And I hated myself for it.

It’s been so long but I think that it’s because i dont want my idea of love to be ruined. You know like the one you see in romantic comedies. And the epic dramas. To find my Mr. Darcy if you will. Dont get me wrong I understand I know that really being in love has its ups and downs. I haven’t met anyone who is worth going through that with. Granted I dont go out. And the passed couple of years I have become a workaholic. But now i realize that i would like to have someone to come home to. Not right now … but eventually. That is one of my goals for the year. For me to at least dip my toes in the water.

And I have come to realize that i am happy for those who are in love. They are finding their happiness.

I love writing about love. But I may have some sort of cynicism writing about it because I never really been in love. But I understand it. And to put myself through that …. Its so daunting. Maybe that why I write about it. So I can imagine myself in every situation. What I think I would do verses what I would actually do.